Love . . . . or something like it

I don't know if I even know what love is anymore.

Yes, I am engaged to be married - so such a statement should be quite shocking.

Yes, I love my fiance. And yes, I know I can spend the rest of my life with him. But I don't believe in "true love". I don't think that the romantic love that is sold in movies and books and Hallmark cards even exists. Yes, I used to watch the movies (now, not so much) and yes I read the books (guilty pleasure) but no, I don't think it exists. It's a fairy tale. It's just not REAL. It's total crap.

It all goes back to a horrible relationship that I had during what my fiance and I refer to as the "in between time". You see, our story is a very romantic story for most people to hear. We were college sweethearts. The couple that everyone thought would marry first. Heck, we were the couple I thought would marry first. I loved him with all of my young and naive little heart. Then life got in the way. After college our lives took different paths and they didn't intertwine very well. We fought constantly. And I just got tired I guess. Rather lazy of me. And I actually hated myself after awhile for being so lazy. But the in between time started when we broke up. (And to finish our romantic story before I go off on some drunken tangent - because I AM drinking right now - years later, after I had moved across country and we hadn't spoken for year, and we had random run-ins at airports in very movie-like moments, we met again on facebook, reconnected, and decided to spend the rest of our lives together in classic romantic movie format)

It was during the in between time that I had the bad relationship. The one that I fully believe broke me. I've never been the same since. I was cynical. I drank alot. I became introspective. I became a loner. I lost who I was. I lost my sense of self.

So, whether or not I've given readers (which I doubt there are any) enough back story, I will tell you where I am today. My fiance is at work. Where he always is. I have had a LONG week at work. I have been looking forward to Friday like crazy. It was the beacon in the distance. The day I could sit back and unwind. The day most normal people want to unwind with that special someone. But me, I unwind with a glass of whiskey. Because I am back to my drinking ways - the heavy drinking and drinking alone. Is this good or bad? And this is ONLY the FIRST Friday he had to work on his new schedule.

Sometimes, I think I stopped believing in love because I was protecting myself back in the in-between times. I was hurt a lot back then. And a person can only take so much beating before they start to find SOME sort of armor to wield. Then I never learned to take it down. I'm sure I CAN take it down for the fiance. Because he DOES believe in the romantic love. (I have a bad habit of telling him to "man up" or laughing off his more sensitive moments - I am a HORRIBLE person)

I really am trying to overcome this handicap of mine. I want to. Because I know I am with a man who I can trust enough to do so. It's not like we don't have our problems. He forgets to do the dishes, fold the laundry, etc. But that is part of learning to live together. What I need to do is learn to let go of all my pain and hurt from not ONLY the between time, but also the first time we dated (because lets face it, there is still some pain there) and let myself love with all that silly and sappy romantic love that other people seem to have.

Unless I have simply morphed into one of those cynical people and am unchangeable. Is there something wrong with ME? Is this the worry that goes through the minds of people as their wedding date approaches?

Or this could just be the alcohol talking.

"Man she's got issues and she's taking them all out on me"